Cookies, Hot Tubs and Desperados.

This is Joe.

I'm about to get into a hot tub with a sexy blonde. And she just made me homemade ginger snaps- life is pretty good right now.

However, my partner in crime (crime = this blog) would be incredibly disgusted by this- well, maybe not about the cookies. I can hear his voice in my head right now, "Ew! Why would I want to hear about that? Wait- cookies? you better have some for me when we get to work on Monday!"

Actually, I am not even sure he likes ginger snaps.

Cut back to a few days ago: I figured out a woman that Orne would sleep with- Madonna. "Well, duh! That's the one woman EVERY gay man WOULD sleep with! You don't say no to Madge! LOL!" Anyone else? "Yeah... Bjork."

Holy shit. Something we actually have in common. Sexually anyway.

And then, the inevitable retort: "Okay Joe, what man would you have sex with?"

...

He's right. I have to answer him. But being the round-about kind of question answer guy that I am, I set up the situation like I always do- with a movie scenario. In this case, True Romance.

This film (which is described by most Tarantino-haters as "the best Tarantino movie") starts with a great bit of bar dialogue between Clarence Worley (Christian Slater in his best role to date) and Lucy (played by a wonderful character actress named Anna Levine). They are talking about Elvis and how he defines rockabilly and how if Clarence had a choice between death and fucking a dude, it would be Elvis. Because Elvis is th-

"JESUS CHRIST JOE! STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH AND ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION!"

...

Antonio Banderas. Circa 1995.

I swear to God, Orne didn't stop laughing for at least fifteen minutes. But its true. If I had to fuck a guy, I mean if I had to- I'd fuck Antonio Banderas from Desperado. After Orne got over his hysteria, he told me that he thoughtI could do MUCH better. I don't know if I really want to do MUCH better- I'm really not looking for quality or anything long-term. I just don't wanna fucking die!

I think Orne eventually appreciated the situation, as I am not talking about the present day Antonio Banderas, or even Antonio himself, but rather the character he played in Robert Rodriguez's movie. Meh- i doubt the situation will ever present itself.

Okay, the tub is finally at the preferred temperature- and her silky blonde hair is quite fetching when wet.

I'm done writing. But one more ginger snap.

Hyp NO tist

No one is going to hypnotize me Joe. I am not susceptible to such parlor trickery! I am too scared of what will surface. Nuff said about that one!

Seriously, I didn't say a damn thing about Daniel Radcliffe...out loud. I have been harboring a crush on him since I first saw him...but I thought it was gross, so I repressed it, but he's like 20 or something now, right? I can covet...finally!

All that aside, the new deal was to either talk to a republican and agree with them, earnestly, or have sex with a woman. I actually had to take pause and ask a few clarification questions. Firstly, how long are we talking about? 10 minutes...20...30? Joe said until the deed is done. I'll be honest...if I were to choose the sex, it'd be about 100 hours! I couldn't...er...perform (you know...pushing rope?) and would have to muster up images of Daniel Radcliffe in the GQ spread! (As we discussed...it's okay now!) And each time I looked down, there would be a woman...SICK! (No offense to womankind...but SICK!)

So I thought and thought...I couldn't think of what would be most repellent. And to help me out, Rodney said he would easily talk to a republican than have sex with a man. Sure, that's easy for a straight guy but it's not the same bet. As a gay man in a straight world, the physical act of men and women doing it is not foreign to me...I see it everyday. It's easier for me to imagine myself with a woman. But us gays are hidden from the breeders most of the time and the idea of two men is so fucking out there for breeder men that it's a no-brainier to choose a conversation. Does that make sense. I'd have to say, either fuck a mentally challenged dwarf albino eunuch, or talk to a republican...again, no offense to woman kind, but that's kinda how I see it.

We met a new friend in the office too (who shall remain nameless...until he/she allows us to) who was perplexed by our conversation. They like (as they put it) a full buffet...why only limit yourself to only half the population? That's even more foreign to me than straight folk. I mean when you're a guy and have had a good bratwurst...who needs tacos? Or, if you are a girl...just switch the two. We are not made to mix and mingle...we don't miss-match our socks...why miss-match our sex? And for the last time this blog, that's just how I see it.

All in all, I never committed to either one (women or republicans). And then Elyssa came in with cupcakes for the office and we got a little distracted. Julie taught us how to make a cupcake sandwich by ripping off the bottom half and using that to top off the cupcake (you know, now the frosting is in the middle). Quite ingenious if you ask me! And just so I don't have to hear it from the peanut gallery...Stephanie was there too.

Yeah cupcakes!

Hypnosis and the AFSP Challenge

Every day Orne and I have what I have mentally nicknamed "podering sessions." These usually begin with a simple question, sometimes innocent in nature, and then explore every single possible conclusion from both the Straight (me) and Gay (Orne) angle. These ponderings often lead to some kind of a challenge.

Today I handed Orne the cap from my Snapple bottle; they often have clever little facts that know one would think about until they have read it after unscrewing the lid off of their Rasberry Iced Tea. This particular cap read: Fun Fact #29 - "On average, a human being will spend 2 weeks kissing in his/hers lifetime." Me being the individual who enjoys going beyond the average expectation handed the cap to Orne and mentioned that this is probably an average we have both broken.

"OMG! I know I have!" (He doesn't really speak in abbreviations, but he is very gay so when I hear him speak I imagine his words appearing that way) We discussed the possiblilty that this fact was probably researched through the hetro population and figured its unlikely that the homosexual community was considered. Then again, neither of us know where Snapple gets its conclusions, nor their stand on whether or not homosexuals merit their precious, fruity trendy research.

This prompted us to figure out how many sexual partners the average human has in their lifetime. Rather than scowering the Snapple bottles for Fun Fact #30, we decide that the ol' reliable internet was the way for us- and this is what we discovered: "The average male will have sexual intercourse with 7 women in his lifetime."

...

I'll repeat that: "The average male will have sexual intercourse with 7 women in his lifetime."

"Oh, ew! That's WAAAAAYYYY above the amount of women I ever intend to sleep with! LOL!" 

Rather than explain to him that my own numbers are more than triple that figure, I paused. Then I presented him with the challenge to break that average. "What? NW- I will never have sex with one woman, let alone seven! Gross!" God, this guy is such a 'mo.

Okay, but what if you were under hypnosis? I asked. He considered, then added, "would I remember it afterwards?" No, we'll condition your hypnosis so you will hav eno memory of the ordeal. He cinsidered this and finally said, "Alright, I'll do it- make it so I think the woman is Daniel Radcliffe! LMAO!"

So here's the deal: we need a hypnotist to put Orne under and make him a straight guy. Then he and I will up the douchiest clubs imaginable (not hard to find in L.A.) and have him take home a lady. Since he'll be under hypnosis the quality of woman won't hinder his skills as it would a shallow straight guy, plus I'm curious as to what kind of woman his subconscience is attracted to in the first place. Or we may be able to skip the whole douche club part entirely (please God, please!) and find women willing to partake in this challenge. No prostitutes, though. Orne is a classy guy and I prefer him to keep his dignity even in the state of hypnosis.

Any takers out there? Women or unemplyed hypnotists?

Welcome!

Joe doesn't know this but I started a blog for us to share. I'll tell him when he gets to work (normally around noon-thirty).

Here is a little background on us:

Joe and I (Christopher) met on the set of Groomer Has It 2 (that's right...America couldn't be satisfied with just one season!) And throughout the shoot and post we forged a great bond...a brotherhood, if you will.

He and I perfected the fine art of "banter." We go back and forth and continue a narrative with a stream-of-consciousness type feel. We soon decided to do a podcast...we have yet to do that, but, baby steps people.

I started this blog in hopes our witty repartee translates well...which it probably wont...but it'll be fun to try. This way we can create a dialogue and add photos and video to enhance the onslaught of hilarity to anyone who reads this...I hope.

So let the games begin!

So we don't have a photo yet...but you get the idea!